The Competent, Crazy One
by UnsettledMind
Summary: Private Cain is the only real soldier in Blood Gulch. So why the hell is he stuck here? Maybe the voice in his head knows.
1. Chapter 1

Short Author's note: First story, no outside editor, so I did my best ok. Please be nice. Constructive criticism is welcome though. This story will eventually cover the whole first season. Chapter length will vary and each will likely cover multiple episodes of the original series.

_Italics _are my OC's thoughts

_Italic and underlined_ are… well let's just get to the story shall we?

* * *

"What're they doing?" _God damn it, Tucker!_

"What?" _That was a bit muffled; at least it's just that turquoise douche this time._

"I said what are they doing now?"

"God damn I am getting so sick of answering that question!"

"You've got the fucking rifle! I can't see shit. Don't bitch at me because I'm not gonna just sit up here and play with my d-"

"TUCKER! Turn off you're god damn radio **before** you start flirting. (dumbass)" Cain interrupted. _Christ those two are driving me crazy, __they keep this shit up we have to kill 'em__… Do we really want to be the only walking blue target in a box canyon…__ fair enough_

Private Thomas Cain had been stuck with these two idiots ever since Flowers died, actually come the think of it that was the best thing that had happened since he got transferred to this shithole. That guy was the most annoying CO Cain had ever had; _"I like to think of this team as a family" seriously? This is the fucking army not day care!_ _That guy was lucky a heart attack got to him first_. _Pretty sure shooting him would've be easier on him. Who said anything about shooting him?_ Although sometimes he would imply to Church and Tucker that the death wasn't natural, just for fun.

Since the he had nothing else to do he was about to slip off his hunter green helmet when-

"Cain, come in." _Here we go_.

"(son of a -) Church this had better be good!" _If not we can-_ _Shut it._

"The reds got a new car."…_Wow, an appropriate use of the radio__. Should probably check that out. Can we kick his ass after we get there?_

"I'll be there in a sec."

5 minutes later, after 'convincing' Church to part with his precious sniper rifle, Cain was spying on the reds and their new ride.

"Damn that's an awesome car."

"See Church! All we're getting is a stupid tank."

"What's wrong with a tank?"

"Oh this idiot's bitching about not being able to pick up chicks in a tank."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah he-"

"You can totally pick up chicks in a tank." That shut them up for a second, long enough for Lance to actually get a good look at the competition. Monstrous suspension, probably four wheel drive, huge minigun turret on the back; _that is cool__, true but it could be a problem_. That jeep was going to be a hell of a lot faster than the tank, yes the tank's gun would be bigger but if they couldn't hit the damn thing what was the point. Especially considering Church couldn't hit the side of a building from pointblank range, and nobody was asking Tucker how if he could 'shoot'. _If he says bowchicabowow one more fucking time-!_

"Hey Cain?" _Speak of the devil._

"(sigh) What is it?" _Can we kill him now?__ I'll think about it._

"Have you… ever... _(__well? Maybe, let's at least wait for him to finish.)_ picked up chicks in a tank?"

"hmmm," _We could just castrate him in his sleep._ "Hey is it just me or does that car look a bit like a puma?"


	2. Chapter 2: Ep 3-8

Author's note: Alright next chapter! Changed a few things, I'm trying to be more descriptive in this one. Sorry if the last one was confusing. Oh and just for the sake of clarity (you guys are smart so you've probably figured it out) this story is told from my OC, Private Thomas Cain's, point of view.

A short reminder:

_Italics _are Cain's thoughts

_Italic and underlined_ are a voice only Cain hears

And two new ones:

[Text in brackets] are electronic voices, like Sheila or Lopez

{Text in braces or "squiggly brackets"} are voices over the radio

I hope you all enjoy this chapter and thank you for reading.

* * *

Turns out Blue Team got a new member along with the tank. And good god was he talkative.

"…And I go, 'If you have a ship, that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?'"

"Hey kid." _Huh, Tucker interrupted him; __first thing he's done right in years._

"Yeah?" The regulation blue figure seemed almost happy someone was actually talking to him.

"You're ruining the moment. Shut up." _Ah remember when Church told him that same thing when he first got here?__ Good times._

"Oh. Okay. You got it man!" _Note to self: He's an idiot._

"You know what?" Church said as he ogled the big machine; in fact he hadn't stopped staring at it since it landed. _Like a kid at- __if you finish that sentence I will think us to death right now__, yeah sure, __alright *ahem* ORANGE MONKEY EA-__ okay stop I'm sorry._ "I could blow up the whole God damn world with this thing."

Cain decided to play the moment a bit and cleared his throat. In his best impersonation of a car salesman he began, "Weighing in at 66 metric tons, the M808v Main Battle Tank is one of the toughest sons of bitches ever to come out of the UNSC. It is suited up with ceramic-titanium armor, armed with a M512 Smooth Bore High Velocity Cannon, has a top speed of 33 miles per hour, and has enough room for 5." After dropping the impression he added, "The boys in basic used to call it the Scorpion."

The others shared a low whistle. And then Tucker decided to spoil it all. "You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing…"

"Didn't I say that?" Cain interjected.

"Probably two or three chicks a piece." _Aaaand he's ignoring me now, __I meant what I said about castrating him._

"Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?"

"Church, women are like Voltron, the more you can hook up the better it gets."

"Oh is that was you're doing during all your 'alone time' behind that rock? Watching reruns of Voltron?"

"You know what, Cain? Fuck you!"

"That's what all the girls back home were doing, you know, while you were watching Voltron?" _Ouch! *dark chuckle*_

"You are way too much of a dickhead to have had any girls back home."

"…" _Are we gonna kill him now? __Wait for it._

"What no answer? I didn't-"

"Oh were you talking to me? When you make stupid comments like that I just assume you're talking to your reflection in my visor." _Oh I see what you did, nice._

"You… you." _Look at that! He can't even respond! He's got nothing._

"Relax man he's just busting you're balls, you know that." _Damn it Church!_

Tucker takes a few deep breaths. "Yeah I know."

"Yeah I'll let ya in on a little secret… I've actually got a girl back home." _Didn't he tell us this?__ That was before Tucker._

"Oh yeah? Girlfriend or wife?" _No don't get him started!_

"No, man, she's just my girlfriend, you know. We were gonna get married but, I got shipped out and… Ah you know how it works." _Oh no, here he goes. Bail out, BAIL OUT!_

"To deep for my blood, I'm going scouting."

"Oh, well, are you going to marry her when you get back?" _He actually wants to know?_ _Oh good lord. __Why would he be interested in whether or not Church is married? Do you think he's cracking from the lack of female company?_ _If that was gonna happen it would've happened __**long**__ before now. Let's not think about it to much. _Cain marched up the hill near the base, the best way he'd found to take his mind off things was to spy on the reds. He'd have to get close since he didn't bring the stupid sniper rifle but that wasn't much of an issue. If he chose a good spot and held still, he'd look like part of the back ground or a bush. Precisely the reason he picked green armor, well that and it looked badass. _It does, doesn't it?_ Thankfully he didn't have to get too close since the helmets had a standard issue 5x zoom; a feature that the others seemed to know nothing about._ It is a fucking miracle those two aren't dead yet. __More like laziness on our part._ He was halfway there when the shots rang out. _Church 'practicing' again?__ Let's find out._

"Recon 1 calling Blue base, what the hell are you guys shooting at?"

"{…Oh uh, nothing. Just some cans, you know, target practice.}" Church replied nervously.

"{(Why aren't you telling him about the flag?)}" The new guy could be heard saying over Church's radio. Thank god for dumb rookies.

"{(Shut up!)}" And there was Tucker.

"Rookie report!" _Never thought we'd be asking **him** what was going on._

"{Sir! The general stopped by for his inspection and picked up the flag. But for some reason Church and Tucker seem upset about it.}"

"…What general?"

"{You know sir, the general. The one in red armor?}" _Red? __YAY! Time to fuck up some douchebags!_

"… Church? Tucker? When I get back there you had better have a damn good explanation or else!" _Or else?__ Or else the beating will be 10 times worse! __You're more fun when you're angry._

Cain trained his vision across the center of the canyon. It wasn't hard to spot the bright blue and red dots. _There was only one? __What were those cock-bites doing?_ He seemed to be heading towards the teleporter receiver pad. Church had his moments so he would probably think of that. _After what happened to those rocks I'm kinda looking forward to seeing how they come out._

*scene break*

"Hold it right there cherry pop." _Hah!_

"What-?" The red seemed a bit confused.

"Freeze!" Church ordered as he ran up to the scene. _Ah man! I thought he was gonna use the teleporter.__ I guess he chickened out._

"Hey, why the hell are you shooting at me? You coulda hit me, dick!" The red soldier almost squealed.

"Can it!" Church said, keeping his assault rifle ready. "Don't try to play stupid with us, Sarge. We know who ya are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now."

"I just got here two hours ago. And I'm not a Sergeant, I'm a Private." _Are you kidding me? A total rookie stole the flag? __Tucker and Church are in for hell tonight._

"Wait a minute you're not the Sergeant!" Church realizes, faltering a bit.

"No shit Sherlock!" Cain growled while keeping his own weapon trained on the intruder's head.

"Well then how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?" _He still doesn't get that he'd screwed up.__ We'll focus on that later._

"Steal? I have no idea what the hell you're talking about!"

There was a sudden buzz of energy from the receiver pad in the middle of the group. With a bright flash a soldier in black armor comes charging out, shouting "THREE!"

"JESUS!" Church and Cain exclaim in stereo.

"HOLY SHIT!" the red screams. "Who is that guy?"

"What in the hell!?" Church says as Cain backs away to get both the red and black soldiers in his line of fire. "Tucker? Is that you?"

"Tucker?" It took a lot to surprise Cain. This did it. _HAHAHAHAHA, oh my god look at him! HAHAHAHAHA, he's covered in that black shit. Hahahaha._

"How did you guy's get here ahead of me?" Tucker was **way** out of the loop.

The red seemed just as confused. "And what's with that black shit on your armor?"

"Hey." Tucker whipped around and readied his pistol. _You think that gun will still work?__ No idea_. "Freeze Sarge!" _Aaaand we're on this again._

"Would you stop calling me a Sergeant, I'm still just a Private."

"The Sarge is still a Private?" _Uh oh, where is this going?_ "Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time." _What? __HAHAHAHA ohmygod, ohmygod. He's so stupid. HAHAHAHA!_

Church wasn't as amused. "Huh?"

"Look, I know you guys don't know me," Tucker started, "but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Some time in _**your future**_ I get stationed here in Blood Gulch, and we meet. And this guy here, he gets promoted to Sergeant of the Red Army, and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep, and I'm like 'There is _no way_ you can pick up chicks in a tank!'" _He is not good at this. __We ever need to go back in time, he stays behind.__ Agreed._

"Tucker?" Church deadpanned. "What the fuck are you babbling about?"

"I know all this sounds crazy," Tucker continued, "but he eventually becomes a Sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals the flag while we're distracted."

"Is this guy a retard?" _Might be._

"Red? Shut up." Church started explaining to Tucker what was going on. That was when Cain noticed the music. It was getting louder. Finally Church got fed up with it. "-for God's sakes, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?" The red's jeep burst over the hill next to them and the blues went scrambling for cover, shouting various profanities as bullets tore up the ground around them. After climbing up to a rock outcropping they were relatively safe behind, they settled in. The red firing the gun seemed to be yelling something they couldn't hear well over the sound of the automatic fire.

"Well," Church said, slightly out of breath, "we'll just wait here. That thing's gotta run outta bullets some time…"'

They paused and listened to the din for a few moments, and then Cain commented, "Yeah. In the mean time, anyone got a light?"

*half an hour later*

"My God," Church exclaimed, "doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?"

"Apparently not," Cain responded, still trying to open the case he kept his gum in. "(damn gloves), although (fuck) considering the gun's rate of fire (gah, almost dropped it) and the size of the jeep, it should've by now."

"You know," Tucker added, "in hindsight, we should have brought the tank."

"Hey, Tucker," Church spat back, "what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?"

"I do." Cobalt and black helmets turned toward green.

"You do?" Tucker asked, a little shocked.

"Well duh." Cain said, finally getting a small cube of gum out of its case. "And even if I didn't, the tank has an AI which teaches non-certified personnel how to operate it. You didn't know that?"

"Well fuck." Tucker seemed a bit pissed at this news. And Church…_Where is Church?_

"(Psst, hey,)" _There he is._ "(they stopped firing.)"

Tucker stood and said "Why are you whispering?"

"(Uhm… I don't know.)" _And yet he's still doing it. __Dumbass._ Cain and Tucker walked over and stood next to Church, looking down at the jeep.

"You know," Cain commented calmly, "from this angle it looks kinda like a warthog."

"Alright!" Tucker almost shouted, "They've abandoned it. Let's take it!"

"Tucker, don't be stupid." _This coming from the guy who was whispering for no reason._ "They're just trying to draw us out."

"No they're not, look: they left the jeep. They're gone."

"Well, I don't know about this." Church said, fidgeting nervously, "It seems pretty fishy, but… alright screw it, let's go get it."

"If this is a trap we need to be smart about it," Cain said before his teammates bolted out of cover. "Church is the fastest so he'll make a beeline for the driver's seat, Tucker you hang back here and keep an eye out for trouble; I'll follow Church and cover him, it's a bit hard to use a gun while you're driving." _That and the middle is the safest spot right?__ Better them than me._

"Makes sense." Tucker responded.

"Alright fine." Church said. "I'm going for the jeep. Cover me."

Church couldn't have been more than ten yards away from the jeep when it blew. He and Cain bolted back. _  
_

"Hey dudes, the jeep blew up." _And of course Tucker just has to make an ass of himself._

"No kidding. Thanks for the update, **Tucker**." Church huffed as he pushed past the black coated blue.

"Hey Cain, do you think the reds mined their car?" Tucker asked.

"Well considering we can hear the reds screaming," Cain responded sardonically, "accompanied by large explosions, I'm gonna say no." _Is that all you're gonna do?__ Too much mental strain to think up anything else._

"Hey guys," Church called from further up the ridge, "look at this: it's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the reds."

"What? No way!" Tucker contended. Cain moved around his side of the rock to get a look. Sure enough, there was the tank pounding away at the reds, with a regulation blue helmet visible under the canopy.

There was a slight crackle of the radio, Church's voice followed. "{Hey rookie, good job man! Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?}" _He didn't hear what we said about the AI? __Meaning he wouldn't know about the auto target even if we'd mentioned it._ _Speaking of the auto target, why is that turret turning towards Church?_

"{[New target acquired.]}" An electronic voice stated._ Must be the AI._

"{That's not a target.}" The rookie countered. "{That's Church.}" _What!?_

"{Yeah, that's right, it's me, Church! What's going on, man?}"

"{[Target locked.]}" _Uh oh._

_CHURCH!_

*scene break*

When Cain came to he wasn't sure where he was. After a moment the world came into focus to show Tucker crouching over Church's prone form, he was a lot closer to them than he was before. Then the ringing died down and voices came into being.

"-want you to know, I always hated you. I always hated you the most."

"Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick."

"Okay. Hierh! Blueah…" As the darkness surrounded him again, Cain could swear he heard a little girl crying.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note:

A short reminder (you're smart so you probably don't need it but):

_Italics _are Cain's thoughts

_Italic and underlined_ are a voice only Cain hears

[Text in brackets] are electronic voices, like Sheila or Lopez

{Text in braces or 'squiggly brackets'} are voices coming through the radio

Oh and a quick announcement, some episodes of the original show will be skipped if my character is not present for what occurs. For example, this chapter bypasses Episode 9: After Church; as Private Cain is unconscious for the duration of the episode. There may be other reasons for the content of an episode of Red vs Blue to not be included in this story, you may have noticed that the stuff the reds are doing isn't there, but I'll try to follow the events of the show as closely as possible.

* * *

Cain was one seriously pissed of blue. You would be too, if you were him. "So let me see if I'm caught up here." He growled at Tucker and Caboose as they struggled to clean Tucker's armor. "Church is dead, the tank was destroyed, the flag is **still** in enemy hands **and** you left me, by myself,** injured**, on a rock face."

"Yeah that's pretty much it." Tucker said, so absorbed with his task that he didn't catch how much trouble he was in. Really the only thing that was saving him was the fact that, after dragging his partially broken body back to the base, Cain was in no condition to kill anyone. He wouldn't be getting to far from the base or picking up anything much bigger than a pistol for at least a month; since they didn't have any medical personnel he'd have to rely on the bio monitoring devices in his armor, its bulk was a bit annoying at times but the suit did have advantages; for example a joint locking mechanism which was as good as a cast. _Still, I think it's safe to say that the shit has officially hit the fan… hello? Hello?_ And then there was that.

"I hate this stuff!" Tucker pouted, scrubbing furiously at a stubborn black spot on his forearm. "What the hell is it anyway?" _Opportunity knocks. Can't hurt him physically, might as well scare him to death._

"Well," Cain said, scratching his chin with his good arm, "If I had to venture a guess I'd say it's what's left of everything they tried to put through it while they were calibrating it. You know bits of cloth, metal, rats… that sort of thing."

"Rats?" Tucker paused and looked at Cain, who could just imagine the look of shock and abject horror behind that faceplate.

"Yeah man, they use smaller rodents like rats to test those things, make sure they work okay before shipping them out to us. A pity they don't always come out." Tucker gave a start and scrubbed even faster than before, egging on the rookie; who was working on the plating he couldn't reach. _What nothing? I thought that was pretty good._ "In any case I won't be much use in any battles for quite some time."

"So? It's not like we do much fighting anyway." Tucker stated as the last vestiges of black disappeared. _God he's an idiot… Why the hell are you so quiet!?_

"So! Think about it! The reds have five soldiers, one of which is a skilled who is probably fixing that car as we speak. On the other hand: I can barely move ten feet from the base, the tank is blow to shit, and Church is **dead**, which leaves our only defense against an attack being the two of you! In short, if the reds decide to come over here and wipe us out any time soon, we're **fucked!**"

"Oh shit you're right!" Tucker exclaimed, dropping his rag. He then reached to turn on his radio. "Hang on, I've got an idea. Come in Blue Command. This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me?"

"Okay, that is the last of it," The rookie announced, standing straight, "your armor is clean now."

"Did you get all the black stuff off?"

"{This is Blue Command, come in Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.}" The radio crackled out.

"Hello! Command! We need help." Tucker responded.

"{Roger that, Blood Gulch, what is your request?}"

"I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but uh, we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men!"

"{...Dude, how long have you guys been down there?}" _You'd be laughing if you hadn't gone mute._

"No, no no, naw, it- not like that." Tucker stuttered.

"He means reinforcements, sir." Cain pointed out. _You'd hate me for that but, might as well throw him a bone every once in a while._

"{Roger that. Did you get the tank we sent?}"

"Yeah, that got blown up too." Tucker replied.

"{Wow. Sucks to be you.}"

Cain and Tucker answered at the same time. "Yeah, we know."

"{Okay, here's what I can do. The nearest blue forces can be there in sixteen days, or I-}"

"Sixteen days!? That's almost two weeks!" Tucker interrupted. _**Over**__ two weeks. We might be dead by then._

"{Or I can hire a nearby freelancer and get him there within a few hours.}"

"I like the 'in an hour' one." The rookie added. Cain nodded in agreement.

"Yeah, me too. Roger that Command, we prefer the quicker solution." Tucker conveyed.

"{10-4 Blood Gulch, we will contact freelancer Tex, and have him there post-haste. Command out.}"

"Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank."

"A medic would be nice too." Cain sped out, only to be met with silence. "Damn!"

"What's a freelancer?"

Cain answered the rookie distractedly. "Freelancers are independent; not affiliated with the red _**or**_blue armies. They're just guns for hire, fighting for whoever offers more money."

"Like a mercenary."

"Right." Tucker confirmed. "Or like your mom, when the rent's due." _What the hell?_

"...oh, that's funny." The rookie congratulated. _Yeah._

"Yeah, you didn't think that was too obvious?" Tucker inquired. _Where did he get that from?_

"No no, no no, that was, that was good." Caboose assured. _God, it's boring without someone intelligent to talk to._

"Tucker... Tuuuckerrr..." A semi transparent figure faded into view next to Cain. _What the hell?_

"Who the hell are you?" Tucker nervously demanded.

"I am the ghost of Chuuuurch..." _Church? __Church?__ Oh __**now**__ you're back?_ "And I've come back with a waaarniiing..."

"You're not Church." The rookie contested. "Church is blue. You're white."

"Rookie, shut up, man." Church , dropping the horror movie parody. "I'm a freakin' ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?" _He's probably never seen __**any**__ ghost before, moron.__ Where the hell have you been? __Why, were you lonely?__ …Um._

"-start all over again... (ahem) Tucker... Tuuuckerrr... I've come back with a waaarniiing..." _We missed a bit.__ What could we have missed he said the same exact thing. __Shut up, I wanna hear this!__ Why do you care? __SHHH!_

"-cessary to do the voice?" Tucker finished.

"Yeah, it's kinda annoying." The rookie added. _That's true._

"Fine. Okay, here's the deal. I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let –"

"What's the warning?" interrupted the rookie.

"Shut up for one second, and I'll tell you." _Good to see he hasn't changed.__ Why? __I… don't know._

"Oh sorry."

"Seriously, man, I mean, I'm coming back from the great beyond here. You think this is easy? It's not. It's not like I just, you know just pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration." _I did not know that. __Learn something new every day._

"Sorry."

"I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with, but now I come back and I can't even get a word in edgewise, man. ... (sigh) Okay. Here's the deal."

"Is this the warning?" That rookie just didn't learn.

"Alright, that's it, I swear to _**God**_, Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you." _Dead Church is __**almost**__ more intimidating than Live Church. __Both being not at all._

"Yeah, you're even starting to bug _**me**_." Tucker asserted.

"Okay, Tucker, Cain. You guys remember that I told you I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?"

"No." Tucker answered.

"I didn't care enough to listen." Cain pointed out.

"Sidewinder, isn't that the ice planet?" The rookie interjected.

"Yes." _Church, why did you answer him?_

"Cool, what was _**that**_like?" _Here we go._

"Um... it was _**cold**_." _Don't encourage him!_

"That's it? Just cold?" _Make it stop!_

"What the hell do you want?" Cain jumped in, "A god damn soliloquy? The whole planet is just one big ice ball. It's really **fucking** cold. Now shut up pea brain!" _Thank you._

"Yeah man, let him talk." Tucker affirmed. Church then launched into a long story about his old team getting wiped out by Tex, with Church as the only survivor; including a rather ridiculous point where someone was beaten to death with their own skull, while screaming about how impossible it should've been. The story ended with: "To tell you, I don't know _**why **_I'm not dead." _You are dead you idiot._ "Could've killed me at any point. But maybe it's because Tex and I have run in to each other once before."

"Where?" Tucker asked.

"You uh, you remember that girl I told you about back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married." _Well that wasn't vague at all._ Church started to disappear. "Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning: don't let Tex get involved here."

"Okay." "Fine." Tucker and Cain responded.

"I mean it guys. No fighting, no scouting, nothing. You'll regret it." _Aaaand he's gone. __Nice while it lasted.__ Oh you're still here?_

"So," Tucker started, turning into the group, "Tex and Church were after the same girl."

"I told you his girlfriend was a slut."

"When?" Cain asked.

"Oh that's right, you were-"

"Hey!"

"JESUS!" Blue team shouted, turning towards a soldier in black armor.

_WHAT NOW!?_


	4. Chapter 4

Author's note:

Hey, I just wanted to say that I'm really glad people are reading this. It's a great feeling. And now that that's out of the way I want to apologize, I'm having a little trouble getting Chapter 5 started. On my profile I said that I'd try to get my work out as soon as I could, but I've hit a slight creative dry spell. Don't worry, I have no intention of abandoning Private Cain, but it may take longer than the usual, chapter per week, rate I've been going at.

Sorry…

* * *

Cain was sitting over to the side, watching as Freelancer Tex started using the rookie as target practice. Not a single bullet so much as scratched the regulation blue armor, not an easy thing to do with an assault rifle. _He's good. __Yeah.__ There's something about him though. __What?__ I can't quite put my finger on it, but he seems… familiar I guess._

Tucker was explaining what had happened. After a while, and a few hundred rounds, Tex seemed to get the idea. He turned and charged off.

"Where are you going?" Tucker shouted after him.

"Red base. Kill everybody. Get the flag back." _Man of few words.__ I have an odd feeling we should be glad he doesn't talk more._

"Uh… Okay! We'll just stay here and guard the trans… porter…" Caboose shouts back, trailing off at the end.

"(Pssst rookie!)" Cain quietly called. Caboose turned and Cain gestured to the sniper rifle on the crate beside him. It took a few different gestures but the rookie finally got the picture and picked up the rifle to keep an eye on Tex's progress. _I know we never let Tucker get it but why aren't we just using it ourselves?__ My right arm is broken, that's why. __… Oh right._

Thankfully it didn't take long for Tex to get started. The rookie wasn't a very good commentator but thankfully the canyon carried sound pretty well. They could here the explosion and resulting panic from where they sat. _Church will be pissed.__ If we ever see him again. __Now why would you say that?__ Why do you care?_

"Man… he is really kicking their asses." Caboose finally said. _We gathered that.__ Don't change the subject._

"How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?" _Cause it's fucking hilarious Tucker.__ Sometimes I hate you._

"I'm really glad Tex is on our team and not theirs." Caboose said as he lowered the sights.

"Sure makes things a lot easier on us." Tucker agreed. _Not that you ever did much in the first place._

"Yeah. I think switching Tex for Church was a good trade." Caboose added. _What?__ It makes sense._ Cain zoned out as Caboose and Tucker continued. _Why do you say that?__ For starters, Tex is a much better fighter than Church. __Well yeah-__ And as a ghost Church might be more useful, if he can stick around for longer periods of time, he could do recon without us risking a live trooper. __Well yeah-__ Hell he could walk right into red base without concern; we could even use him for psychological warfare. __Alright, alright I see your point._

"**BLUE TEAM, FLAG RETURNED.**" The blues jumped at the voice, Tucker and Caboose whipping around. Cain snapped a pistol up to fire, only to find a white transparent figure. _Here we go. __I vote we sit back and watch them squirm.__ Motion carried._

"What the…" Tucker exclaimed, "Who said that?"

Church cleared his throat. "Sorry, that was me. I uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat." _Can that happen to a ghost?__ Yeah how would that even work?_ "Your flag is back, by the way."

"Hey… it's Church."

"Yeah, it's me. Hey Caboose." Church confirmed, exasperated.

"Hey Church, what're you up to?" Caboose asked with no less enthusiasm.

"Caboose, ah-huh-huh, I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?" _And the show begins._

"Wh, what? Oh, th, that flag?" Tucker stuttered, "We've always had **that**." _Tucker takes a shot in the dark._

"Tucker," Church replied, "who do you think you're trying to fool?" _Too bad__ he fails to connect._ "Hey wait a second… Where's Tex?" _And Church drops a huge bomb._

"I'm not really sure," _Can Tucker turn this around?_ "He said he was gonna go to the store, something about uh, Elbow Grease." _Answer: no, no he can't._

"Oh great. This is so **typical**!" _And Church goes in for the kill._ "What was the one thing I told you guys the last time I appeared?"

"That Sidewinder is cold!?" _The rookie takes a wide swing from nowhere. __And misses spectacularly._

Church let out an annoyed sigh, "What was the** other** one thing?"

"Not to let him get involved?" _Tucker is on the ropes. Could this be it?_

"Right. And what did you do?" _Church presses his advantage._

"We let him get involved." _Tucker concedes, Tucker concedes._

"And not just a little involved, how involved?" _Church turns the attack towards the rookie._

"Very, very involved."_And it's over.__ That's all she wrote. __Good night._

"Exactly," Church continues. "You know I expected better from you Cain." _What?__ Excuse me!?_

"And how the hell was I supposed to stop him, Mr. Marley?" Cain shot back. "I got blown half to hell trying to save your life!" _Still don't remember it happening but…_ "Caboose, what's going on over there?" The rookie gave a start and turned to get a look at red base through his scope. After a few seconds he spoke.

"Yep, he's definitely captured… or dead… captured or dead." Then he gasped, "Or captured **and** dead."

"Oh, well that's just **perfect**!" Church practically shouted.

"What? What is your problem?" Tucker demanded. "Why do you even care if he's captured, I thought you hated that guy anyway, for stealing your girlfriend?"

"I never said I hated Tex. I just said that she was the reason why we never got married."

"She?" Caboose wondered.

"… What?" Cain laughed out. Usually he was the epitome of professionalism, on the outside at least, but now he couldn't stop himself from chuckling.

Tucker didn't seem to see the humor. "Let me get this straight... you're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose and beat the hell out of the reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?"

"In a nutshell, yes." Church acknowledged, "That's an excellent summary." This caused Cain to get a bit louder.

"I should have known." Caboose morosely commented, "She didn't like me… Girls, never, like me."

"Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you." Tucker remarked.

"I like me." Caboose murmured.

"I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before. Are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like, part guy part shark?" Tucker suggested.

"I'm pretty sure I'd know if Tex was a guy." Cain was full on laughing now, so Church stopped to glare at him for a moment before continuing, "And I'm **definitely** sure I would know if she was part shark."

Cain didn't hear much of the rest of the conversation. He was laughing to hard. Why was he laughing so much, you ask? Tex struck him as a very, very dominant personality; just the thought of Church having willingly been a relationship with someone like that was hilarious. Eventually though he had to stop, for fear of breaking one of his cracked ribs. The last thing he needed was an extended recovery time. When he clued back in, Tucker was summarizing again.

"So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer. But underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?"

"Oh hell no." Church corrected, "She's always been a rotten bitch, it's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements."

"Wow." Tucker responded, his voice laced with sarcasm. "Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there buddy, she's a keeper."

"So how're you doing, Caboose?" Church said, "Are you following any of this whatsoever?"

"I think so… That guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend. So that makes you… a gay robot." _Oh well, maybe I can do without the ribs._

*scene break*

When Cain finally got control of himself again, the guys seemed to have moved on quite a bit.

"Well don't worry," Church said, "because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex."

"A plan? Oh, man, I hate plans." Tucker whined. _And he wonders why I don't like him. __'I don't think anyone likes him'.__ HA! _ "That means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy, or …mission statement?"

"I just need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Tex." Church explained.

"Distraction?" Caboose queried, "Heh. That sounds a lot like 'decoy'." _I think that's exactly the idea._

"The way I see it," Church continued, "the reds have absolutely no idea how many freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the two of you, is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armor, while I sneak in the back of the base." _I've never been so glad to be the only one who was injured. __I'd like to know how exactly Church plans to 'spring Tex'._

"Sounds good." Tucker acknowledged, nodding, "But Church, where the hell are we gonna get two suits of black armor?" _Oh oh, __I know.__ Heheheh._

Church looked to his right, Tucker followed his gaze to find himself looking at the teleporter.

"Hey Caboose!" Cain called, as Tucker muttered out a curse. "I need you to do something for me."

With some direction, Caboose maneuvered two crates into the position Cain required: one near the edge of the base one the side of the open field and the other few feet behind it. Tucker and Church stood of to the side, neither of them had ever been able to lift even one of the large boxes without help, and Caboose had one under each arm. They were muttering to each other, Cain could only make out Church saying something about God compensating. But once the rookie was done, Church announced that he'd be waiting for Tucker and Caboose at the teleporter's receiver pad. After they all left, Cain pulled the spare sniper rifle, which Tucker did not know about, out of its locker. Caboose had taken the other one with him. Grunting through the pain, he managed to get the long gun set up on the crate closer to the edge of the roof, with the bipod resting on a stack of empty med packs. Now he could keep an eye on what was going on. He would have told them to keep their radios on, but he'd had enough of their babbling for a while.

Sure he enjoyed messing with them, but moments like this… this was why he joined the army. The dead calm as the troops moved out, right before all hell broke loose, was the closest to peace he'd ever been; and ever wanted to be.

Caboose nearly screwed up the whole thing. Luckily, Red Team seemed more committed to their teammates than Blue Team was. _Not sure why that orange guy thought CPR was the way to treat a head wound. __Wouldn't that just make him bleed out faster?_ Oddly enough it worked. _Well I'll be damned._


	5. Chapter 5

"Shut up." Church said after appearing next to Cain.

"I didn't say anything." _Yet._

Church wouldn't be able to see the smirk behind Cain's faceplate, but they'd known each other long enough that he would know it was there.

"So how's your ex?"

"Ex?"

"Well most **sane** people consider death to be the end to a relationship."

"Well most **sane** people don't talk to the dead, either!" _Oh he has no idea. __Hey!_

"My point is; this is not a Whoopi Goldberg movie. Aside from your 'charming personality', you're not bringing anything to the table."

"Well I-"

"Did I say 'table'? Sorry, should've said 'bedroom'." _Ouch._ "But who knows, she might actually- hold that thought, Hey Tex." The black clad trooper turned as she crested the ramp.

"Hey…uh." _She forgot my name?_

"Cain."

"Right." _What the hell?! __Relax man._

"Okay," Church interjected, "Now that you guys are acquainted we can talk about-" He flickers. "No not now, Nononono" _Aaaaand he's gone again._

"What happened?"

"Oh he'll be back in a bit. Apparently it's not easy to cross over from the other side." Cain explained. "Then again knowing him, it might not be that hard, he just sucks at it." That got a quiet chuckle. "I gotta ask: what did you see in him?"

"He… well he… uh." Tex cocked her head in thought. _Huh. __What?_

"Hard to explain?" Cain offered.

"Hard to think of anything." They both laughed a little at this. "But there had to be something."

"Yeah…" _Where are you going with this?__ I have no idea._ "Do you plan on sticking around?"

"Huh?"

"Church'll want you to stay." Cain clarified, "And I don't trust those other two idiots to keep an eye on things while I heal up." Tex just stared at him for a moment and then turned to walk away. "Yeah, I figured." _So we're dead, aren't we?__ Unless someone gives her a very good reason not to leave… yes, yes we are._

*scene break*

"That's it?"

"Yeah man," Tucker explained, "She's staying because she owes us for helping bust her out."

"Owing a guy because he gets you out of prison time?" Cain thought out loud, "Are you sure we're not talking about someone from your family? Like your mom? Or **any other Tucker**."

"Hey don't think I won't hit a cripple!"

"Hey! Don't think this 'cripple' can't kick your ass!" Cain shot back, shifting off the crate. Tucker took a short step back.

"Woah man! No need to get violent. I'm a lover, not a fighter." The teal soldier placated.

"I'm pretty sure you don't have any experience with either of those career paths." Cain deadpanned.

"Jesus Christ dude!" Tucker snapped. "I come up here, trying to be nice, because I figured you'd want to know what was going on. And this is what I get? You know what? You. Are. A. **Dick.** There's your update for the day, I'm out." He stomped down the ramp to catch up to the others. _Ah I needed that. __Definitely more fun than telling him we heard the whole exchange down there.__ And it's a good thing we did, he forgot the whole 'Tex is fixing the tank' thing. __Moron. It's cool we're getting Sheila back though.__ Come to think of it, who names a tank A.I. Sheila? __I don't know, probably some pretentious asshole._

After getting the rifle set back up, Cain stuck a piece of gum into his mouth, reset his helmet and settled in for a few hours of boredom. Not much happened, other than Tex's impressive dead lift, and then Church was bitching about something. _Nothing new there.__ What do you think it is this time?__ Well he is up on the ridge where we got blown up, might be that we didn't bury him. __And how exactly were we supposed to do that? We don't even have a gardening trowel.__ I'll be sure to let him know._

After getting bored watching the three stooges stand around, Cain started cleaning his pistol. An explosion drew him back to the action. _Yay! Tank's fixed._ _I would comment on her effectiveness, but I can't think of a way to say it without sounding like Tucker. __Ewww, yeah better left unsaid. OMG did you see how she took out that jeep! She is badass!__ Yeah… __Are you… are you crushing on her?__ What?! I can't admire a female peer's skill without it being- __Dude I'm in you're head.__ Alright maybe. A little. __Hey what's Polly Pocket there doing?__ I don't… wow. __…Good arm on that one. Wait!__ Oh shi-_

And the world blurred back into existence. Cain was on the ground, 10 feet from the base, and flat on his face. He took a deep breath… and realized how much pain he was in.

"ffffFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!"

*scene break*

By the time Tucker and Caboose came scurrying back, Cain had stashed the sniper rifle and swallowed a few pain pills. So he was a bit out of it for the report the two gave. But he did get the parts about Tex being dead and Church being pissed. Still he was a bit surprised to hear: "Estúpido, follando culo limpia!"

"Um… Guys? Why is someone calling for you in Spanish?"

* * *

Author's Note:

I am **so** sorry that this took **so** long for me to post. I, personally, hate waiting for new content and I really don't like the thought that I did that to you guys. I hate it when I get writer's block like this. I can still write, but it doesn't move along as well. Anyways it's done now, and I've got tons of ideas on what to do next. But I will continue the trials of Private Thomas Cain in the future, that much I promise.


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